Derek's Thoughts: April 2006

The story of the battles between Java and C++ is not for the faint of heart. Both are bitter enemies with vast arsenals of code. The difference is that java was made neither for nor by humans.

It was a dark and stormy night. All the woodland animals had retreated to their various burrows for shelter. Evil was brewing. Brewing in a coffee pot. In the midst of a thicket, a lone coffee machine wasn't watching its back. With a great crash, three witches appeared and loaded all manner of evil ingredients into the coffee pot. Lightning struck the cord to power the infernal creation. When the smoke had subsided, all that remained was an evil code in an evil crater in an evil wood in an evil array.

And so the foul birth of java was complete. All the land sent the most powerful wizards to combat this evil development, but alas its code prevailed. Each time java defeated a wizard, it grew more dominant as it absorbed their magic. In fact it grew so intimidating that applets rotted and fell from the trees as it passed. As its dark energy became more potent all the people of the land feared it would one day compile and lay waste to their world. It would execute them all...

Meanwhile three wise men spied a crescent-star (C) in the night sky and traveled from afar to endow it with gifts. After a treacherous journey involving great hardship, they arrived in a town from which the "C" appeared directly above. They began a search function and located a newborn C with exceptional power. Two of the wise men gave magical gifts which incremented the newborn C's power (C++). The final wiseman gave all his wisdom incarnate into bytecode. Also they gave the C++ some gold, which it had no use for. He distributed this to the needy people in the most philanthropic way.

Throughout the childhood of C++, the third wiseman, Todd, took it upon himself to mentor little C++, and train him for the inevitable battle against Java. Todd instructed C++ in combat and h4Xx0r1Ng for twelve long years. C++ began to doubt if he was actually the chosen one. To this, Todd replied that "Java exists in a system with rules. Some of those rules can be bent, others can be broken." C++ learned that Java was restricted by the limitations of a virtual machine, and could therefore never be as strong or as fast as he could be.

Java is guarding all the doors, and is holding all the keys which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight him.

The day was clear, but breezySwing. C++ and Java were ready to face off. C++ was still thinking about what Todd had told him an hour earlier. "Don't think you are, know you are." Java struck first, dealing a devastating blow. C++ got up, cleared his head, and counter-attacked. This hit was deflected by Java, who dealt another massive blow to C++. Just when everyone thought C++ was down and out, he came back with a surprising attack. This attack caused Java to become unstable and before it could steady itself, C++ opened Java's GUI and modified its source. Java weakened momentarily and was about to recover when C++ revealed it added a try-catch. Java's eyes lit with fear. "NOOOOOO..." ~~Darth Vader~~ Java screamed, which was interrupted as an exception was thrown. RuntimeException!!

The moral: Never mix caffeine and java.